Original text by Katya Clover.
I wanted to talk about it for some time now but the decision to speak about it here and now is because of what happened to a close friend of mine. You know when you are informed about something, like a new law or legislation, but it never becomes something tangible until it happens to your friend or family member, or even to yourself. When this moment occurs you start to be engaged and search for more information about the legislation and what it means for you personally.
A friend of mine in New York was accused of sexual harassment by his female colleague. The important details you have to know is that there was no case. It was all fabricated and the case was dismissed on closer examination by HR. What bothered me was the process my friend had to go through. The HR department treated him as guilty for the fact that he was a man and the accuser was a woman. He got no formal complaint to read, no guidelines about the process, no lawyer or anyone representing his side. Luckily the case fell apart when a clear lie was exposed by a clear evidence of fabrication. And even so, the false accuser was not punished. She was not fired for lying and trying to destroy one man’s career. She was protected by the HR policy of that company. That for me is as unfair as it can get.
There is so much wrongdoing in this case. Admittedly, if I didn’t know my friend very well I might think he got away with it this time. But there is a difference between a case being dismissed because there is not enough evidence and a case being dismissed because the accuser was lying to begin with.
A core of the problem seems to be the lack of sex and interpersonal education and politicians are using it to manipulate power relationships. If we have a system in which a woman doesn’t know how to say no to men’s advances but can report bad sex later as rape – we have problem. I am not referring to real rapes, with aggressive and obvious use of violence. I mean normal human relationships involving sex.
If sex happens on mutual agreement, how could it be later labeled as rape just because the woman didn’t like it? Also, a funny thing is that, by a new law, the participants have to ask each other “do you want to have sex with me?” Exactly this question, otherwise later the sex could be presented as rape. Doesn’t it kill all the passion you have with the partner? For me that sounds very weird.
I thought that the main ideology of feminism was to have equal rights. But now the situation looks like women have much more power in their hands than men. And this really is not fair at all.
I guess some feminist ideas were understood in a wrong way. And to be honest I am afraid for our young generation, as this model of understanding dynamics between men and women is so far from the harmony of human beings. I am proud that women can now work in almost any field and hold positions that where only the domain of men just a few year ago. This is fair and this is something we have to be proud of achieving as humanity.
But what would happen with men if women take all the power?
At work, at home, everywhere. Somebody has to be weak for a dynamic relationship to work. Some men have already taken the weaker role – they have checked out mentally on their masculinity. We can see nowadays lots of really weak men that lost their strong character, their desire to provide safety, stability and responsibility to the family. Most importantly, they lost desire to chase and flirt with women. For me, this is not something I look forward to see more of.
Maybe I’m Russian and I’m a product of a different culture. But why European and US women don’t want to have gallant men anymore, men who are polite and open the door for you to come in, men who help you if you ask for help, who pay for you in the restaurant if they wanted to?
The common answer feminists would give is that asking for help and being helped is a sign of weakness and humiliation. And they say that this help is an arrogant gesture from more powerful men. But maybe we understand this word in a wrong way? To ask for help is not being weak, to get help is not being weak either. There is nothing wrong in being weaker in some aspects, and some women are physically stronger than some men too, but in majority men are stronger physically. Some women are wealthier than some men, bust in general it is men who own most of the wealth. Some women have more power than some men but in most cases it is men that hold most of the power.
But do women really want to be stronger or equal in every aspect? Their strength may be in their vulnerability, but that is not a weakness. They are like water – flexible, calming, but powerful and mentally stronger than men. They have something really special – their inner strength and their beauty. Remember the history: so many wars and fights have started because of love declared to women. Many of the bloodiest and deadliest wars have started because of women. As far as the city of Troy that was conquered because of the beauty of Helena, men were fighting and died for the women of their hearts. Isn’t that strong enough? Isn’t that a power that can crush any wealth, physical strength and political power? Isn’t this a type of power we want to keep in check but yet keep it in our arsenal?
Women have no choice but to be raised mentally strong in aworld that is not fully equal. We fight with all the difficulties in life as everyone else does, and also support our men and grow our children. And it is often not us who prepare ourselves for the real world – but our mothers who did the same journey before us. Why do women take the position of aggressors nowadays instead of using their huge energy for creativity, science or whatever they want in life – now when they can do all that. Why do some women choose to go back and destroy men accusing them of rape that happened 30 years ago? What lessons are we teaching our new generation? Why get stuck in revenge rather than moving on and doing something great from scratch, now when we have a blank page? Why play the victim card when you can be a scientist, an explorer, a politician, or a why not – a nude model? If you can be all that but you still choose to go back and destroy a man you knew from the last century – there is something wrong with feminism.
We are all humans and we live together on this planet. Why don’t we just cooperate? With love, respect and friendship we could find our way to a better communication with each other. There is a saying that I really love: “we share what we have plenty of”. Let’s share love, friendship, mutual understanding, – at least make an effort to try to understand each other.
Yes, sometimes we are like from different planets, and we cannot understand each other, but if we only look at our differences, without trying to find paths towards each other, it would never work. Restrictions without understanding could lead us to crisis between genders. I see so many people who just don’t want any relationships, don’t want a family, don’t want kids as an ideology. And it became a real problem in some countries like in Japan and Switzerland, Germany and Sweden.
Adult men are afraid of getting closer to women, as they are afraid of being rejected and now with new laws also risk of being accused 20-years later. Many men now don’t have enough communication practice with women except of online chat that is often full of personal hate and harrasment. Some men choose a life of loneliness as the pain of being rejected is so frightening. And now, work relationships are seen as dangerous for one’s career. Yet if we ask our parents were they’ve met most of them would say at work. And this was just a generation ago. How could we continue our century if we are now removing the foundation of long-term relationships and offer nothing back in return?
Let’s communicate and be honest with each other, both genders need to learn how to talk to each other openly. And I’m sure it is not trough complaints and police reports that we build efficient communication. This text is quite brave and frank for my writing. But if we don’t risk speaking up the truth how can we change something that is fundamentally broken? My hope is that I gave you some thoughts to process and I hope it would inspire you to think and act on your own, as it did for me, and inspired me to write this piece for DROYC.
/ Katya Clover for Droyc-Studios
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